Saturday, December 13, 2014

Slut Shaming 7 Year Olds


It is almost Christmas.  I find myself wound around a pole.  Not because I own retail business and it is Christmas time.   No my mind is singularly occupied with a comment made to me regarding my seven year old daughter.

Today I pick her up from school and someone says to me, “In case you didn’t know  leggings are against the dress code.”  I was shocked.  Mostly because that is all she ever wears.  Every…single..day.  Leggings and a t-shirt.   There was a time when she wore nothing but dresses and skirts, so when this shift occurred I was surprised. However, outdoor play is a big part of her school and when I asked her why the change she simply said, “skirts and dresses are too hard to climb and play in.”  Makes  sense.  She is not a fan of jeans because they way they wrinkle behind her knees hurts her.  Leggings are comfortable and easy to run and climb in.  This is a bonus for me, because they are also highly affordable and easy to clean.  Done.  So here I am finding out 3 months into school she has been violating the school policy practically daily.  I said, “I didn’t know.  I am sorry.”  We start to walk away.  This person tags me and whispers to me , “It is because it draws too much attention to her bottom area.” 

I  heard it.  The record screeched.  I turned to my husband white and shaken and said, “ Get me to the car, I am going to cry.”   I then raced home and read the dress code.  There it was.  It was in black and white.  Students should wear clothing that is “modest and does not call undue attention to the child’s body.”

So let’s us be honest about what that means before I continue.  We are not talking about boys wearing skinny jean that hug their tush they way a Ferrari hugs corners.  No.  We are talking about girls.  We are talking about skirts that are not too short or blouses that are not too tight.  We are talking about teaching our “little ladies” to be modest, proper little girls.  I mean and what is so wrong in that after all?  Our girls are more than a tight tush or a nice rack.  Right?  They are future moms.  I mean, who WILL buy the cow if she is just giving ever so freely of the milky skin of her upper thigh.  No.  She must be a lady.   Or risk… being a slut.

A slutty, slut, slut.   A whore.  A tramp.  A trollop. A jezebel.  Come on.. we can have a field day with this for hours.  However, let me ask you this, what word in our culture do we have that carries the comparable connotation for men?  Right.  My point…but I will come back to that. 

So here I am, with my sweet seven year old, who every bit as much American Girl doll as she is “I can climb higher then you” and am receiving the first message in what I am sure will be many of, “Best be careful or you will end up with a slut on your hands.” 


So for those of you out there that are thinking, “Well… does she want her to be a SLUT?”  I say.. NOT THE *$@!  POINT.  You are missing it.  You are missing the whole point.  The point is, what my daughter wears does not define (and listen up here, this is the meat) WHO SHE IS.  Let me say it once more.  What my daughter  wears does NOT define WHO she is.  And, that brings me to the other nuance in this. And this is the really important one.  So take a second, collect yourself and listen.  What my daughter wears is not what controls how other view or treat her.  Now, I know some of you old school folks are thinking.  Peshaw.  It most certainly does.  And now I am here to tell you, bull.  How others perceive her or treat her is based on how THEY were indoctrinated.  They are not her responsibility to negotiate.  Their notions of propriety are not hers to conform to. Oh, and now I can actually hear it.  The outright indignation at what I am saying.  So follow me on a journey.

My daughter walks into a shop.  She is wearing  a roomy skirt down to the floor.  It is black and plain cloth.  She is wearing a button up long sleeve roomy blouse of brown.  She has no makeup on.  Her hair is shoulder length and brushed straight.  Is she dressed slutty?  No. She is dressed like a school maid.  However, she walks into the store. The owner looks her up and down.  He corners her in the store and tries to pull up her skirt. She screams and pushes him away. He rips her blouse and tells her not to be a tease.  She pushes him and someone walks in.  He whispers, “Oh come on baby, I know you want it.”  She screams and runs out and he yells out of the door calling her a slut.

But let’s face it.  She asked for it right? If she had not been so provocative she would not have brought that on herself.  How could he control is “animal urges” in the face of all that.. .hmmm sexy brown.    

Please tell me this sounds utterly ridiculous to you.  Okay  why?  Why is it ridiculous?  You would say she was dressed so modestly, she was not dressed slutty. That man was an animal, a pervert.   What if I told you the culture expected her to cover her head.  In their eyes it was slutty she was “inviting trouble” no less.  Did she deserve that?  Is she allowed to be terrorized because they perceived her as dressing sexy? 

It sounds so stupid right.   It sounds stupid because it is stupid.  Perpetrators of crime are not victims.  Repeat, not victims. They are not “unable to control themselves.”   No. they are sick violent monsters that we allow a free pass. 

This idea that if a girl shows some leg, wears a tight shirt, hell walks around buck naked that she has somehow forced a person to have uncontrollable sexual impulses is in the same vein of saying if someone puts a cupcake in front of me,  I have no ability to NOT eat it.  And furthermore IF I eat it, is the cupcakes fault.  In that scenario I am required to have no personal responsibility.  In that scenario the cupcake is a slut who was just “asking for it.” 



We don’t need dress codes.  What we need, what we need desperately is to tell people, mostly men,  enough.  Enough  hiding their need for power behind sexual impulse.  Grabbing women, fondling women, catcalling, objectification, harassment…RAPE. They are all power.  They are all violence.  They have not one single thing to do with sex or sexual attraction.  I did not make you rape me.  You decided to rape me.  I could have been wearing a potato sack.  You would have raped me.  Not because I am a slut, but because you are a rapist.  Or the men that see a sexily dressed women and start peacocking “Mmm I am going to tap that”  you are not seeing a pretty girl you like.  You are seeing an object you are going to dominate.  You never needed her to dress sexy .  You never needed her permission because you were always a thief.  Weak and small. 

And this THIS is why what happened today is important.  It is believed that 1 in every 5 women is raped in their lifetime.  Did you hear that?  One in five women is raped.  If one in five men got testicular cancer, you know there would  be a national crisis declared!  One in five.  These woman are your mothers and your daughters AND they  are in jeopardy. NOT BECAUSE OF WHAT THEY ARE WEARING! They are in jeopardy because of the very reason I have to write this.  They are in jeopardy because men have historically been given a free pass to be animals under the auspicious of lack of control.  And when the conversation we are having is hemlines  we are not having the one we need to (do not rape,  respect people, women are not objects.)

So that is the point.  What my daughter wears will not make boys ogle her.  They  will ogle  her because they have a lack of respect for her as a person separate from her sex.  What she is wearing only matters when men need an excuse to behave like animals.  And telling her how to dress “respectfully”  teaches her she is responsible for the bad actions of animals.   
And what if my daughter grows into a teenager or young woman that wears sexy cloths hoping to get the attention of a boy?  I would tell you that is a symptom of her being told if she only dresses a certain way boys cannot control themselves therefore will be putty in her hand.  And shocker…heterosexual girls want the attention of boys (not always heterosexual J  ).  And shocker, sometimes… just sometimes girls like to have sex just like boys.  And cover your ears… sometime girls might like it even more.

And will that make her a slut. I guess it will, because she would be choosing to have sexual partners.  And that is why there is no similar word for slut for men.  “Slut” implies control. She CHOOSES to have sexual partners.  In our culture, men cannot be sluts because we operate under the idea they have no choice.  No choice in their impulses.  No choice but to be monsters.  I say our men are better than that.  I know they are.  I say it is time we start having that conversation.  I say it about time we let them be sluts too.  


8 comments:

  1. Amen. Amen. Amen. Raise hell, Mama!

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  3. And when the conversation we are having is hemlines we are not having the one we need to (do not rape, respect people, women are not objects.)

    #truth #openyoureyes

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  4. Thank you for using your beautiful strong brave sexy (slutty!) voice! You rock and your parenting is top notch, girl! Keep blogging!

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  5. Thank you for speaking up!

    http://www.bustle.com/articles/41715-richmonds-maggie-l-walker-governors-school-protested-dress-code-sexism-in-the-best-way

    “Forcing girls to be ashamed for doing the things that come natural to them — it's a ridiculous double standard, and we should all, frankly, tell anyone who judges us to screw off.” ― Siobhan Vivian, Not That Kind of Girl

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    1. Love it! And I loved what the boys at Maggie did. :)

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